27.Januar Morgens
Transition, I'm awake. But something is strange, different from the usual
Yes, it's already dusk, and I dreamed again nothing!
Maybe I just too tired, as always in the last few days before my annual leave is my Op-plan fully.
But no, it is not: really me refresh my dreams, they are ...? Is it really mere dreams? Or maybe life is a dream, and what happens when my mind wanders freely through the dream world around is real? Sometimes
I can not say for sure.
Sometimes it seems certain, yes, all these landscapes, these places, these roads, these worlds, I could draw maps, I could list their laws (which different from the structures of the waking world, but are well defined and laid down), they exist!, they must simply exist!, it is all so obvious, so deeply familiar.
Sometimes there are also others, but also remember when I think of some of their deeds, I never see their faces, when I'm awake.
Well, if I want to run a lap, before work, I must do it NOW, because it is late enough.
27th January evening
The day is drawn back past me, and he left no real mark in my mind.
The only thing I think when I'm sitting in front of my glass of wine is how well the original form looked like frosted spider web behind the refracted light, Splintered Light.
28th January morning
re dreamless sleep, I feel empty, meaningless, just want to be more perception, no body ... 28th
January 14 .00 Clock
Just now I have a patient, male, 30 years, motorcycle accident lost. I could feel his spirit slowly disintegrated. Is he in his dream world gone, or what he has now become part?
28th January evening
In front of me a glass filled with a St. Emilion, purple gloss, heavy, but not as tough as blood, the blood that dripped onto the green sheets, bonded by the temple of the very young-looking man.
How I hate to lose this fight N ot that I would like to get his life for me to talk to him to live with him! So no one really means something to me, There is also no one who accepts me share.
But I think all these many people have a life, they have a meaning to their environment, and leave a gap if they are going.
Whether I go or stay, it makes no difference, perhaps not even for me.
29th January morning
is running this morning when I got the idea, my mind might consist in the mere perception of the small wonders of nature. Somehow seemed to the forest this morning a little of the beauty of my dream to own landscapes, it was just a feeling, a feeling that I Nix awake.
29th January evening
Tonight I lit the fire, it warms my cold body as well, as it does in the Rioja, the shimmering ruby red against the fire.
If I start tomorrow afternoon my annual vacation, it is as always I wonder how such a short flight me out of the cold winter, which here controls nature can bring in a mild spring.
I am pleased to see the mountains again, this wide, wild solitude where I can roam for hours and still meet only my own thoughts, my memories sated with new images.
The music brings me pleasure, I listen to Chopin, then Anthony Phillipps, and every musical pictures for me, either personally experienced or those who have banned the artist with the brush of the notes.
think Why me always obvious kindred spirits in literature, music and painting, that seem to greet me about their work through time and space, and yet no one can avert my eyes and my thoughts, the I've met really.
But perhaps it is just the distance that these spirits appear as close to mine, allows the spatial or perhaps was even close to the emotional process of dis-illusion, as I him in my childhood had to experience so painful.
When the mysterious, blue hill on the other side of the lake, of which I was told that they had been to another country, to which I had traveled in my mind so often, and around which my Sho sweetest fantasies clamped to a drive along the lake at the approach to mere tree-lined hills reduced, the city, to house the fairies, with the same houses and buildings, it also gave us, were built, and the beings that this distant, magical land inhabited believed, looked exactly moved, as we do, even if they talked to me in an unintelligible language to each other, but my parents very much seemed familiar, I stopped believing in fairies and fairy tales , and this belief, I was taken much too soon.
way I look at people still prefer a distance, to remain volatile, sometimes beautiful impressions, but I will not permit that the process of dis-illusion my monitor ltigt.
I once read somewhere, not the property make poetic, but the Request.
It is late, the fire has burned down, the bottle is empty ...
30th January
My farewell lap, Tony Banks sings quietly * Do not think about tomorrow, in the darkness I can believe you 're here *
hearing these words, I remember a strange dream I had tonight:
Somehow there in front of a * you *, any comparison, that meant something to me, but it's just a presence, no body, no face.
"If the power of love could give a vision substance, then in truth you were alive and close to me "
end to the reverie! I almost stumbled over a root!
But why, why I feel closer to people I know only from books, from their works, their art, their songs, as real people of flesh and blood?
Because it just an idea, an idea, the disappointed I can not get that magic is because you can not approach them?
So it will be!
While I work, all my senses to my job is addressed, there is no room for even an idle thought, it engaged my mind and makes me think you might be a useful member of society and it is this concentration and make an undeserved gift to me of the good Neurochirugin that I am no doubt.
But what am I then? Does that make me not even to one of these soulless machines?
Yes, I know I'm slightly autistic, well, who does not have any blemish in these modern times.
Yes, I'm anti-social, all in the original sense of the word, I I will not integrate into society, I know, I think I (and I her) away, which is probably more beneficial to both sides.
God, well I'll be right in another environment, I hope that guides me on this idea.
February 1
Now I was the day again, and good for a week. Of course I was on vacation alone, but I feel lonely when I visit one of these events forced occupation, with an alibi-glass in hand, with many people talking, but does not really communicate.
I opened all my senses, 'm soaked with beautiful impressions, wind and sun on the skin, light and space in the eyes to be beautiful sounds in the ears, and one with my thoughts that precedes me no longer, but one with my body, not in joy, in the here and now, running, life, feeling.
4th February
Today I once again (oh, so far I'd probably not recorded) is this strange, beautiful music. Somehow it seems the light from the sun to make a clear, balmy air of the taste in my mouth, just like in my dreams. It was as if I was awake in my own dreams walked. I have often tried to intone the melody on the piano, but it seems as fleeting as a dream when he was conscious and deliberately trying to analyze, he escaped over the edge of perception and becomes a mere memory, devoid of life.
May 8
There seem to be children in the protected area. Add to often mere wilderness trails leading laps, I saw a cleverly constructed arbor.
June 11
It is strange, so slow I seem to hallucinate about the melody. Today I really fancied very intense, to have heard it sung by a voice .... I drove an absolute thrill through the whole body, like a sudden rush of adrenaline in the face of impending danger, but it was an ambivalent feeling, sometimes frightening, sometimes beautiful, as one of those moments when one seems to understand everything, one thing is completely satisfied.
Nov 11
I have an award for outstanding work erhalten. Unser Chefarzt wollte mich zum Essen einladen, aber ich habe wichtige Arbeiten vorgeschützt. Wie wenig mich das berührt hat! Viel intensiver war meine Freude, als bei der Heimfahrt sacht fallende weiße Flocken den nahen Winter ankündigten.
29.November
Ärgerlicherweise scheinen Motorradfahrer *meinen* Wald verbotenerweise zu ihrer neuen Cross-Trainings-Strecke erkoren zu haben. Ich hasse es! Mit ihrem Lärm, dem Gestank nach Zweitaktergemisch und den tiefen Wunden, die ihre Räder in den verschneiten Waldboden reißen, zerstören sie die makellose Schönheit I usually find here.
Dec 20
I hope I can reconstruct what happened in the past two days.
It happened so much, I hardly know which to start. My fingers tremble
ever since, though I'm sitting quietly at home in front of the fireplace, and the third glass of excellent Cabernet Sauvignon stands before me.
It began when the riders cross their presence by flitting lights, infernal noise and stench announced.
Every time I even dared to hope that they would finally take a different path, I was tormented by her yelp Motors are wrong.
Suddenly another noise, brakes, a shout ... silence ...
was what had happened? I tightened my pace and headed for the place from which I had expected to hear the outcry.
Shortly thereafter, I could see two apparently quickly and carelessly thrown on the side Bikes and their owners were apparently bent over a wounded colleague.
I immediately ran to the man who was missing after a brief investigation nothing serious. His foot seemed dislocated, but could not find me a break, and his helmet and heavy leather suit further injuries were avoided. The view of the two uninjured but went in another direction, and his face was pale.
Now I saw the real catastrophe: a bit far away was the third motorcycle, and under him the one half buried victims whose cry was, I had probably heard. Around it the snow was rotgesprenkelt, some nearly saturated.
being of a leg and left arm were in an unnatural position, obviously broken. Yes, an open fracture, the arm were stuck white bones.
threat was However, head injury, brain matter was visible, dribbled through a long, jagged crack, and liquor in the red snow. The ALNG, blue-black hair of the man had come into the spokes of the motorcycle, and had it partially scalped.
The motorcyclist, who had followed me, handed himself choking, but I gave him any attention: the full and was directed entirely to the injured man and feared the worst.
My professional professionalism came forward, I reached for my phone, turned off the music and the Navifunktion one. Thank God, welcome! The stored Number was chosen quickly, and luckily I knew the secretary, who accepted my call.
"I send my position by e-mail, I need immediately and very much a rescue helicopter. Yes, you put me immediately. "I looked around me.
"Yes, quick, no, I take the case itself, wait, you can not land, but a piece is to the west, a greater windfall, yes, 300 - 400 meters. The snow would have the helicopter can land there good. Please join me back? "
As I spoke, I had dug for defensive purposes, but really more for my own peace of mind serving razor knife out and separated the hair of the victim in the spokes.
"Yes, hello? Vera let you know that an operation will be prepared, open skull fracture, multiple trauma ... I operate, yes. "
I had the phone between ear and shoulder pinch tried and peel me from the same windbreaker and fleece sweatshirt to inform them of the injuries to wide, the cold, shock, no, no one should die, certainly not this man, not if I could somehow avoid it. The roar of engines
that told me that the boys took the tail and run, I ignored, because, as always, my thoughts and feelings on my patients judged, and this strange instinct told me that , the man still alive, but the emphasis was still on * very *.
After a time that seemed like a mean eternity, I heard the typical hum of helicopters and then saw the swirling snow, which announced the landing and quickly brought bustling figures.
Facilitates the air flows out of me. Now he might have a chance! I look for the first time really the person who is before me.
His skin is very bright, despite his dark hair and eyes that are open strange, are gray-blue, he is very tall and thin, almost gaunt.
Again, I feel his pulse, he is thread-thin and even on the neck to feel any more. So much blood, too much blood! I must see that he immediately gets on the helicopter nor plasma to determine his blood type, and see that preserves are ready.
Gosh, how long it takes actually for the few hundred meters! This may not be true!
finally meet the paramedics with a stretcher and hoist carefully, very carefully, we lift the injured, and try it as soon as possible and free of vibrations to be transported to the helicopter.
The heat in there makes my half-frozen hands are mobile again, and I hardly know what to do first. It is connected to plasma and glucose, before the helicopter takes off. The oxygen mask sells a little blue color his lips. The ECG could be to create good, without hair on his chest. Odd trifles which are perceived by the way!
curse when I cross match blasphemous. It was indeed just be AB negative, Kell, Duffy Kid I skip, it's urgent.
Sure, it will take almost an hour until preserves are available! I would hardly expect otherwise.
"Come put me access, I will donate blood for the very first."
My colleague looks at me surprised, but does, as commanded. Even before the helicopter lands, has my patient 500 ml of me, without cross-checking, I do not admissible, but who cares?
wants to move When I was the butterfly, I protest. "Let's run a little, he can use it."
A raised eyebrow I replied.
Why is this patient so important to me? I mean, every person in need is important to me, but now this man seems to have any special meaning to me too.
No time for such considerations.
a little dizzy I get out (almost a liter of blood is missing one but well anyway), run with flowing hair under the propeller bent beside the bier. prepared
While my patient for the surgery will be brought blood to the lab, and I find out where events, I get a nurse to take on the coat tails, and requires a strong coffee and a bottle of astronauts cream.
pass the next few hours in highest concentration. Sometimes a little blur the image before my eyes as if to wish the resolution of the microscope left
could tilt the blood pressure several times, repeatedly connect to unexpected bleeding. But who manage to stabilize him again and again.
This man, despite his gauntness the constitution of a horse. From the laboratory are some values that are quite unusual, but I can hardly spare a little of my concentration, to busy myself with it.
We are working on two fields at the same time, our new addition provides an open fracture of the arm.
After seven long hours I give the order to carry on. Finally I can afford to let my fingers tremble. A nurse comes up to me, and I will remove my mask.
Suddenly ... "blood pressure will drop, not measurable, heart stopped ... Flat Line! "
No, damn, I will not! I quickly patrol off all contacts. "Away from the table," I rely on the defibrillator, * my * Gypsy, as I have him baptized secretly reared up, a single wave ... nothing more. "Give me more!" Again, this rebellion, I feel his spirit begins to dissolve. No!
"lidocaine" I yell with a loud voice that made me even scared.
"You lost him." someone says.
"! No" all look at me puzzled, it seems to me completely indifferent.
"Once more!" Once I try it with the definition. Again nothing.
I do not want that his mind is so still it makes I do not want it!
I crack in a vial with lidocaine, break off the tip, draw into a syringe, knock out the air bubbles.
"Exitus, give in, no more brain waves." Someone took my arm. I shake it off.
"Let condemns me, once! "I try the very last will, that he lives on, it wants with all his strength, which can be applied I * If thoughts could give a vision substance, then in truth you were alive and close to me & hellip , * How can I just now song come to mind?
I inject the dose directly into his heart.
-nothing
I can feel tears running down my cheeks. I sink down powerless. I failed, failed just with those for whom I, for whatever reason, wanted to sustain life.
-failed-
I glance back.
There! Is not that ...?
I rush back, put on the electrodes, so, jaaaaa, I have him and got him back.
somehow give to my legs. My colleague supported me and bringing me into the room ready. While I was asleep already, exhausted, I still cheering inside.
Done! I've done it! Do not think I'm wasting
why that makes me so happy, why is this so vitally important to me.
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