Self Evaluation Verbiage

Writer's block

What have you done in the past day, month, or year to protect the environment? How often do you think about sustainability issues?

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Not enough, I suppose. We are much too used to warm bathes and clean clothes.
But I don´t have a car of my own any more. Every way possible I do with my bike, fetch the food, visit people or the town.
I don´t use any sharp soaps or chemical cleanings, only water and drops of soap.
The luxury I still can´t get rid of is to wash our clothes too often, we change every day, bed clothes every week.
But I often buy food at our local farmer, without packaging and storing of shipping.
If everybody would do the same ...

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passion, shared, precious memories and

There is a kind of passion that is almost unbearably beautiful.

beautiful beyond any words, you go together down to the deepest depths of themselves, in dimensions that have been alone or with someone else never reached before, and found themselves together again, inventing a new reality , is the indescribable divisible, in the communicable.

intolerable, because these so absolute perception with all the senses beyond the borders of the Normality. It requires a complete abandonment of a pledge of any being, it is not only naked, one is without skin, without any barrier. It is a mercy-being, the other can cause a very thought highest pleasure, but also deepest anguish

It is a state of profound happiness and the deepest of all pain. It would remain there forever, but you know it would be lethal. It is impossible to physically, mentally, whatever, unless they harbored the wish to die at that moment, and to preserve it as always.

Man is not made for this exuberance he brings with him the madness. To remain in the inflated state ... It's scary ...

fear to survive, depths, instinctive fear, fear of losing oneself, not something controllable.

And the thought of surviving such a flood of feeling? Either you drown in it, or perhaps from even one dull, the tide recedes everyday to something flat.

Both thoughts are no real alternative, at least not for me.

But the memory of such things can be very be strong, you can always relive the memory, undimmed, intact, though always soaked with sadness: What would all only can it be?

But the memories are mine, mine and his alone, and in me they are alive as the day of their experience. Maybe that is the nature of the Elves.

And maybe he thinks back on it at this moment, maybe ...

I remember this song I wrote back then, today he was so present ...

You

I can see your face
in nearly every place.
I feel your sensible hands
like soft golden sands
running over my spines.

Looking at your smile
just for a little While
I´ll soon forget about sorrow
don´t take care of tomorrow
now that I´m so close to you.

You stole in my heart
right from the very start
But I cannot explain
these old fears still remain,
and haven´t gone with the wind.

Listening to your Voice
I don´t have any choice.
I feel my body´s reaction
your deep emotial attraction
with every inch of my skin.

But it makes me feel blue
that now left without you.
I long just for touching your cheek
to heal this new inside weak
that causes shivering burn.

REFRAIN:
My heart s door
is just opened wide
´with open eyes
I run and jump again into abyss
Strange the story goes on
Strange the story remains
strange the feeling remains
though the answers has gone
Strange the question remains
though there is no response.


This is a song dedicated to an unforgettable night. Thank you...

 

 

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27.Januar Morgens

 

Transition, I'm awake. But something is strange, different from the usual

Yes, it's already dusk, and I dreamed again nothing!

Maybe I just too tired, as always in the last few days before my annual leave is my Op-plan fully.

But no, it is not: really me refresh my dreams, they are ...? Is it really mere dreams? Or maybe life is a dream, and what happens when my mind wanders freely through the dream world around is real? Sometimes

I can not say for sure.

Sometimes it seems certain, yes, all these landscapes, these places, these roads, these worlds, I could draw maps, I could list their laws (which different from the structures of the waking world, but are well defined and laid down), they exist!, they must simply exist!, it is all so obvious, so deeply familiar.

Sometimes there are also others, but also remember when I think of some of their deeds, I never see their faces, when I'm awake.

Well, if I want to run a lap, before work, I must do it NOW, because it is late enough.

27th January evening

The day is drawn back past me, and he left no real mark in my mind.

The only thing I think when I'm sitting in front of my glass of wine is how well the original form looked like frosted spider web behind the refracted light, Splintered Light.

28th January morning

re dreamless sleep, I feel empty, meaningless, just want to be more perception, no body ... 28th

January 14 .00 Clock

Just now I have a patient, male, 30 years, motorcycle accident lost. I could feel his spirit slowly disintegrated. Is he in his dream world gone, or what he has now become part?

28th January evening

In front of me a glass filled with a St. Emilion, purple gloss, heavy, but not as tough as blood, the blood that dripped onto the green sheets, bonded by the temple of the very young-looking man.

How I hate to lose this fight N ot that I would like to get his life for me to talk to him to live with him! So no one really means something to me, There is also no one who accepts me share.

But I think all these many people have a life, they have a meaning to their environment, and leave a gap if they are going.

Whether I go or stay, it makes no difference, perhaps not even for me.

29th January morning

is running this morning when I got the idea, my mind might consist in the mere perception of the small wonders of nature. Somehow seemed to the forest this morning a little of the beauty of my dream to own landscapes, it was just a feeling, a feeling that I Nix awake.

29th January evening

Tonight I lit the fire, it warms my cold body as well, as it does in the Rioja, the shimmering ruby red against the fire.

If I start tomorrow afternoon my annual vacation, it is as always I wonder how such a short flight me out of the cold winter, which here controls nature can bring in a mild spring.

I am pleased to see the mountains again, this wide, wild solitude where I can roam for hours and still meet only my own thoughts, my memories sated with new images.

The music brings me pleasure, I listen to Chopin, then Anthony Phillipps, and every musical pictures for me, either personally experienced or those who have banned the artist with the brush of the notes.

think Why me always obvious kindred spirits in literature, music and painting, that seem to greet me about their work through time and space, and yet no one can avert my eyes and my thoughts, the I've met really.

But perhaps it is just the distance that these spirits appear as close to mine, allows the spatial or perhaps was even close to the emotional process of dis-illusion, as I him in my childhood had to experience so painful.

When the mysterious, blue hill on the other side of the lake, of which I was told that they had been to another country, to which I had traveled in my mind so often, and around which my Sho sweetest fantasies clamped to a drive along the lake at the approach to mere tree-lined hills reduced, the city, to house the fairies, with the same houses and buildings, it also gave us, were built, and the beings that this distant, magical land inhabited believed, looked exactly moved, as we do, even if they talked to me in an unintelligible language to each other, but my parents very much seemed familiar, I stopped believing in fairies and fairy tales , and this belief, I was taken much too soon.

way I look at people still prefer a distance, to remain volatile, sometimes beautiful impressions, but I will not permit that the process of dis-illusion my monitor ltigt.

I once read somewhere, not the property make poetic, but the Request.

It is late, the fire has burned down, the bottle is empty ...

30th January

My farewell lap, Tony Banks sings quietly * Do not think about tomorrow, in the darkness I can believe you 're here *

hearing these words, I remember a strange dream I had tonight:

Somehow there in front of a * you *, any comparison, that meant something to me, but it's just a presence, no body, no face.

"If the power of love could give a vision substance, then in truth you were alive and close to me "

end to the reverie! I almost stumbled over a root!

But why, why I feel closer to people I know only from books, from their works, their art, their songs, as real people of flesh and blood?

Because it just an idea, an idea, the disappointed I can not get that magic is because you can not approach them?

So it will be!

While I work, all my senses to my job is addressed, there is no room for even an idle thought, it engaged my mind and makes me think you might be a useful member of society and it is this concentration and make an undeserved gift to me of the good Neurochirugin that I am no doubt.

But what am I then? Does that make me not even to one of these soulless machines?

Yes, I know I'm slightly autistic, well, who does not have any blemish in these modern times.

Yes, I'm anti-social, all in the original sense of the word, I I will not integrate into society, I know, I think I (and I her) away, which is probably more beneficial to both sides.

God, well I'll be right in another environment, I hope that guides me on this idea.

February 1

Now I was the day again, and good for a week. Of course I was on vacation alone, but I feel lonely when I visit one of these events forced occupation, with an alibi-glass in hand, with many people talking, but does not really communicate.

I opened all my senses, 'm soaked with beautiful impressions, wind and sun on the skin, light and space in the eyes to be beautiful sounds in the ears, and one with my thoughts that precedes me no longer, but one with my body, not in joy, in the here and now, running, life, feeling.

4th February

Today I once again (oh, so far I'd probably not recorded) is this strange, beautiful music. Somehow it seems the light from the sun to make a clear, balmy air of the taste in my mouth, just like in my dreams. It was as if I was awake in my own dreams walked. I have often tried to intone the melody on the piano, but it seems as fleeting as a dream when he was conscious and deliberately trying to analyze, he escaped over the edge of perception and becomes a mere memory, devoid of life.

May 8

There seem to be children in the protected area. Add to often mere wilderness trails leading laps, I saw a cleverly constructed arbor.

June 11

It is strange, so slow I seem to hallucinate about the melody. Today I really fancied very intense, to have heard it sung by a voice .... I drove an absolute thrill through the whole body, like a sudden rush of adrenaline in the face of impending danger, but it was an ambivalent feeling, sometimes frightening, sometimes beautiful, as one of those moments when one seems to understand everything, one thing is completely satisfied.

Nov 11

I have an award for outstanding work erhalten. Unser Chefarzt wollte mich zum Essen einladen, aber ich habe wichtige Arbeiten vorgeschützt. Wie wenig mich das berührt hat! Viel intensiver war meine Freude, als bei der Heimfahrt sacht fallende weiße Flocken den nahen Winter ankündigten.

29.November

Ärgerlicherweise scheinen Motorradfahrer *meinen* Wald verbotenerweise zu ihrer neuen Cross-Trainings-Strecke erkoren zu haben. Ich hasse es! Mit ihrem Lärm, dem Gestank nach Zweitaktergemisch und den tiefen Wunden, die ihre Räder in den verschneiten Waldboden reißen, zerstören sie die makellose Schönheit I usually find here.

Dec 20

I hope I can reconstruct what happened in the past two days.

It happened so much, I hardly know which to start. My fingers tremble

ever since, though I'm sitting quietly at home in front of the fireplace, and the third glass of excellent Cabernet Sauvignon stands before me.

It began when the riders cross their presence by flitting lights, infernal noise and stench announced.

Every time I even dared to hope that they would finally take a different path, I was tormented by her yelp Motors are wrong.

Suddenly another noise, brakes, a shout ... silence ...

was what had happened? I tightened my pace and headed for the place from which I had expected to hear the outcry.

Shortly thereafter, I could see two apparently quickly and carelessly thrown on the side Bikes and their owners were apparently bent over a wounded colleague.

I immediately ran to the man who was missing after a brief investigation nothing serious. His foot seemed dislocated, but could not find me a break, and his helmet and heavy leather suit further injuries were avoided. The view of the two uninjured but went in another direction, and his face was pale.

Now I saw the real catastrophe: a bit far away was the third motorcycle, and under him the one half buried victims whose cry was, I had probably heard. Around it the snow was rotgesprenkelt, some nearly saturated.

being of a leg and left arm were in an unnatural position, obviously broken. Yes, an open fracture, the arm were stuck white bones.

threat was However, head injury, brain matter was visible, dribbled through a long, jagged crack, and liquor in the red snow. The ALNG, blue-black hair of the man had come into the spokes of the motorcycle, and had it partially scalped.

The motorcyclist, who had followed me, handed himself choking, but I gave him any attention: the full and was directed entirely to the injured man and feared the worst.

My professional professionalism came forward, I reached for my phone, turned off the music and the Navifunktion one. Thank God, welcome! The stored Number was chosen quickly, and luckily I knew the secretary, who accepted my call.

"I send my position by e-mail, I need immediately and very much a rescue helicopter. Yes, you put me immediately. "I looked around me.

"Yes, quick, no, I take the case itself, wait, you can not land, but a piece is to the west, a greater windfall, yes, 300 - 400 meters. The snow would have the helicopter can land there good. Please join me back? "

As I spoke, I had dug for defensive purposes, but really more for my own peace of mind serving razor knife out and separated the hair of the victim in the spokes.

"Yes, hello? Vera let you know that an operation will be prepared, open skull fracture, multiple trauma ... I operate, yes. "

I had the phone between ear and shoulder pinch tried and peel me from the same windbreaker and fleece sweatshirt to inform them of the injuries to wide, the cold, shock, no, no one should die, certainly not this man, not if I could somehow avoid it. The roar of engines

that told me that the boys took the tail and run, I ignored, because, as always, my thoughts and feelings on my patients judged, and this strange instinct told me that , the man still alive, but the emphasis was still on * very *.

After a time that seemed like a mean eternity, I heard the typical hum of helicopters and then saw the swirling snow, which announced the landing and quickly brought bustling figures.

Facilitates the air flows out of me. Now he might have a chance! I look for the first time really the person who is before me.

His skin is very bright, despite his dark hair and eyes that are open strange, are gray-blue, he is very tall and thin, almost gaunt.

Again, I feel his pulse, he is thread-thin and even on the neck to feel any more. So much blood, too much blood! I must see that he immediately gets on the helicopter nor plasma to determine his blood type, and see that preserves are ready.

Gosh, how long it takes actually for the few hundred meters! This may not be true!

finally meet the paramedics with a stretcher and hoist carefully, very carefully, we lift the injured, and try it as soon as possible and free of vibrations to be transported to the helicopter.

The heat in there makes my half-frozen hands are mobile again, and I hardly know what to do first. It is connected to plasma and glucose, before the helicopter takes off. The oxygen mask sells a little blue color his lips. The ECG could be to create good, without hair on his chest. Odd trifles which are perceived by the way!

curse when I cross match blasphemous. It was indeed just be AB negative, Kell, Duffy Kid I skip, it's urgent.

Sure, it will take almost an hour until preserves are available! I would hardly expect otherwise.

"Come put me access, I will donate blood for the very first."

My colleague looks at me surprised, but does, as commanded. Even before the helicopter lands, has my patient 500 ml of me, without cross-checking, I do not admissible, but who cares?

wants to move When I was the butterfly, I protest. "Let's run a little, he can use it."

A raised eyebrow I replied.

Why is this patient so important to me? I mean, every person in need is important to me, but now this man seems to have any special meaning to me too.

No time for such considerations.

a little dizzy I get out (almost a liter of blood is missing one but well anyway), run with flowing hair under the propeller bent beside the bier. prepared

While my patient for the surgery will be brought blood to the lab, and I find out where events, I get a nurse to take on the coat tails, and requires a strong coffee and a bottle of astronauts cream.

pass the next few hours in highest concentration. Sometimes a little blur the image before my eyes as if to wish the resolution of the microscope left

could tilt the blood pressure several times, repeatedly connect to unexpected bleeding. But who manage to stabilize him again and again.

This man, despite his gauntness the constitution of a horse. From the laboratory are some values that are quite unusual, but I can hardly spare a little of my concentration, to busy myself with it.

We are working on two fields at the same time, our new addition provides an open fracture of the arm.

After seven long hours I give the order to carry on. Finally I can afford to let my fingers tremble. A nurse comes up to me, and I will remove my mask.

Suddenly ... "blood pressure will drop, not measurable, heart stopped ... Flat Line! "

No, damn, I will not! I quickly patrol off all contacts. "Away from the table," I rely on the defibrillator, * my * Gypsy, as I have him baptized secretly reared up, a single wave ... nothing more. "Give me more!" Again, this rebellion, I feel his spirit begins to dissolve. No!

"lidocaine" I yell with a loud voice that made me even scared.

"You lost him." someone says.

"! No" all look at me puzzled, it seems to me completely indifferent.

"Once more!" Once I try it with the definition. Again nothing.

I do not want that his mind is so still it makes I do not want it!

I crack in a vial with lidocaine, break off the tip, draw into a syringe, knock out the air bubbles.

"Exitus, give in, no more brain waves." Someone took my arm. I shake it off.

"Let condemns me, once! "I try the very last will, that he lives on, it wants with all his strength, which can be applied I * If thoughts could give a vision substance, then in truth you were alive and close to me & hellip , * How can I just now song come to mind?

I inject the dose directly into his heart.

-nothing

I can feel tears running down my cheeks. I sink down powerless. I failed, failed just with those for whom I, for whatever reason, wanted to sustain life.

-failed-

I glance back.

There! Is not that ...?

I rush back, put on the electrodes, so, jaaaaa, I have him and got him back.

somehow give to my legs. My colleague supported me and bringing me into the room ready. While I was asleep already, exhausted, I still cheering inside.

Done! I've done it! Do not think I'm wasting

why that makes me so happy, why is this so vitally important to me.

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diary writing and reading

There are so many people who can absolutely Writer to nice stories! Why can´t I? In my brain there so many thoughts, events, pictures, moods, tbc
I ´d like to share with other people, but there´s no suitable, adequate way for me to do so!
I paint a little, but never the pictures of my imagination, I sew some elvish dresses, but i could´nt find fitting material, and my abilties were much to less.
I wrote some music to the Tolkien songs, but MZB did it best before, beyond the borders of my imagination.
I had an idea for man, and an idea what happened to Maglor further on, but my story grew to be just another Mary Sue which no one will like.
So I had to find  another way, and now I search for stories, pictures, music containing all the magnificence I´m longing for so badly.
This is why I became a reader, and the idea, that no writer can make the great without reader is giving some kind of comfort.

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This beautyful table

Reading about the new desk of a friend reminds me of the strange story of my own pc-corner, and the somehow overstyled table I use for desk.

When we bought the half-finished, but about four years old house we´re now living in, my husband used to stay in our old home and had to keep on working.
After a while I got tired cycling the 20 km from our old house to the new every day in the morning, and then back in the evening, but somebody has to look after the craftsmen, to clean up afterwards, to built the garden and so on.
Therefore I decided to camp in our new home, so I bought the new refrigerator, the washing machine, the dryer and made it clear they were delivered as soon as possible. I had a camping table and chairs, a matress with blanket and pillows, an already finished built-in cabinet, the two bathing rooms were ready, who could ask for more? During this time I slept in every room of our house, because one room was always to be painted, has to be tiled, or whatever, one day I even slept in our bathing room, or in the garage. But it was much fun.
In our little town there was a shabby one-room store for furniture, old, new, antique, in a horrible disorder and dusty and with half-blind windows. It opened only on Wednesday from 2 to 4 pm, and on Saturdays, from 10 till noon.
On a Saturday afternoon, when I went to town to have my meal, I saw a beautyful table in there, which matched perfectly with our wooden oak furniture, and I soon fell in love with it.
But the today shopping time was already over and the next Wednesday we would have a appointment with the conveyancer. Besides my money was spare, and I couldn´t sicern the prize.
But I really wanted it so badly!
I had no idea what to use it for, it was high, long, but had only little depht. Two drawers were located under the top with nice-looking knobs, and, ooh, it was so beauttyful!
The following Wednesday I did the whole way in less than 45 minutes with my bike, and I trod in only a few seconds before closing time.
But I was able to buy this lovely table and we arranged I would fetch it the next Saturday.
I used the litlle table for lots of tasks, the drawers were my first *safe* for money and papers concerning the house, we drank our coffee at it, I signed several contracts at it, I wrote and painted my designs of the house-to-be for the cabinet maker.
When we finally moved in, I fist used it as a kind of bedside table, but my hips weren´t too fond of this, often getting bruised.
Then I had a really good idea.
Upstairs, there was a large hallway with no really use, with a nice window, overlooking the way to our house. To the right was the staircase, so that you could get to the door in time for the postman or whoelse....
You may not believe, the second I wrote this the door bell rang, and the postman was there!!
Now I thought to use this wasted place, and the table fitted there excactly. But what for? I remebered writing and painting on it, bought a nice, comfortable office stool, put my laptop and my printer on this table, and now it is an absolutely useful writing desk.
For some time I had two doves, which I named Richard Tauber ( because HE sang like the famous tenor) and Kukuxumusu (after a special line of buffs; and this word paints clearly HER singing) nesting right over this window, but they always lost their brood, for there was to little space for their nest, and the broken eggs lay on the stairs of our front door. We stopped this by puttings nails on the balks under the windows, now the raise their chicks in the apple tree beneath my sleeping room.
Now I´ve got new tenants, a swarm of wasps flying busy in and out ( no, not in this room, but somewhere under the roof!!) but I can watch them every day.
Now I´m gonna stop this writing, the train is nearly there, bye....
Please apologize some discrepance between *train* and *postman*, I´m really oldfashioned and so I use to handwrite all things. Only very few become the status of being typed. ;-/

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Was erdreistet ihr euch eigentlich, ihr Elben, unglücklich to be?

What you have everything, has, so you must surely envy of any rational human being!

long All my life I have endeavored to stay fit and healthy, how many hours I've toiled in the gym, how many hours am I jogged or cycled am?

And yet, I feel like my strength slacken, as I'm getting tired, limp and listless! And this not only physically, but also my mental mobility is dwindling.

I often go into a room to do something, and then arrived there, white I do not remember what I did there, actually.

you tell me yet: What did

I deserve this?

I've always tried not to strain the resources of nature, beyond measure, I was always for other people there, and I have initiated art and other things of value and time!

Now I is not with the ideas Finrod that you are tied to the fate of Arda, and we release them, Arda takes damn long, and whether there really is an afterlife, could anyone confirm me definitely ...

Why do we need until we understand, what and who we are, or could be, and why is it always too late, because we are old it is because our body and mind fall apart then, and we are no longer the master of our own?

It remains unfair!

you have all the time to develop yourself and your skills and then use!

We, however, we were just far, down to the depths of our own to rise is because these capabilities are brought back!

And then this still conscious perception of one's own decline:

we have just begun, Joy to us to develop our physical, as we have discovered to our horror that we are old, tired and ugly, and now we can really use our spiritual gifts, as captured we forget!

And you wonder that we envy you glowing?

When you reach your best physical condition, then it stops there.

No thought of death, aging, illness, decline to block you from the important things in life.

says And remember the time around you would leave you stranded ...

your turn, you have enough time, you make friends with the change, you will adjust the power!

We remain at the rate of progression of modern times, failed back, mourn the circumstances of childhood, when we just did not know this yet to really appreciate, and find us in the new with our clouded perception not find anything.

And THAT should be a gift?

I must say, it speaks out of my heart when she says, for one year, one day, with the flame they had all given up.

Better a lohhellen days full of life as a life, which hardly deserves the name.

your elves know not what you own, do not you know it to appreciate!

one day for each of you as a person and his Silmarillion Tolkien and the Lord of the Rings would never need to write, right?

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My best friend

Uwe was one of the few altruistic people in this world, although he had his sound intelligence and his sound selfish, but if was in dire straits, or, as in Pott said * the shit hits the Dempe *, one could to leave him !!!!! He lived happy and well, and loved life. But why should the be something bad? He often likes women, and fond of good eating and cooking, he also loved liked and often, but in his last days he has told me over personally, he would have the woman of his life found, and no longer interested in special, well, would you know .. he already likes, Fun, yes, but his heart belonged to a single version, K. Love, I know what you lost! I knew him well and long, and when last year there was a brief period of discord between us, or rather say, of doubt, so we have us a very honest, and I said, It all would be okay. My husband always said if I came one day and say, Uwe and I wanted to join together, he would give us his blessing, because he thought Uwe for a responsible and valuable human being. Yes, I admit, sometimes I was in the meantime a little bit into it, not directly in love, I love him simply, I had even loving terrible, and sometimes I had even a little better, but that was the way we deal only pleasant and loving, there was no torture and no pressure, not some time need or a misunderstanding, he could deal with something excellent. We

really were friends, and I was so happy for him when the time came to know a new partner, accompanied her through a difficult time, and was balanced in a long time and really REALLY happy. If I am unhappy

already, and can not believe Uwe, as promised in the coming days at some point is packed with the slats in front of our new house, and the progress made by the craftsmen dry commented ...

I will not really be dramatic, this is not me, but in our life plans were Uwe and K. for the next few years a really important part, and should not be more simple-da tearing a huge hole. I am angry at anyone todtraurig and who is responsible for ensuring that Uwe is now no longer there.

I wish I could talk anyone guilty and strangle him with pleasure!! had

Uwe, you know I love you very much, and therefore K. also because it made you happy! Farewell ...

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saaataaan @ 2009-04-21T09: 06:00

Happy Birthday Nikku ! ^ ^

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cleanup

So, since I've started so something with my time here has, I finally got my time.. F-List tidy. For the most part there were journals in which nothing is more written on the other, which was where I felt just pure lack of interest the other side. Even though I FS ; r'm your entries - without counter interest is not there you should already interested in what I write and you should be as reasonably on the same wavelength. be.

was just some do not. I hesitated too long really am, yes, no one who constantly changes his F-List, but I just had the feeling that not to do it. Sorry. Please take me down too. Thanks:)

If someone I no longer want to have here would be that now is the right time I think:)

Oh, zeromc want, you may continue \u0026lt;lj comm="nintendo_de"> alone? 've Got no interest everything in it and in the course of my cleanup I would "sort out" the same as then;)


comments are hidden if one or the other still got something to say.
Otherwise I wish you a nice future life;)






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